


rose

by someonelikej



Series: colours [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Atsumu is nice, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt Sakusa Kiyoomi, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Kita's Motherinstinct, Komori is a good friend, Late Night Writing, Lonely Sakusa Kiyoomi, Panic Attacks, Phobias, Sakusa Kiyoomi-centric, Sakusa Needs a Hug, mentions of bad parenting, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:34:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24320644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someonelikej/pseuds/someonelikej
Summary: Why couldn't he be normal?
Relationships: Komori Motoya & Sakusa Kiyoomi, Miya Atsumu & Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: colours [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672522
Comments: 2
Kudos: 91





	rose

**Author's Note:**

> I cried while writing this.

Sakusa shuddered. Too many people in a too close proximity and they did not leave him alone. They were circling around him like he was prey. He did not dare to move with all those human beings upfront to him. He could not deal with it. He had never been able to, he did not know how. It was different with people he knew, like his team, or people he trusted, like Komori - which did not really count as he was already included in the team. But people he did not know who were new, who tried to touch him and talk to him and came too close for comfort. How should he deal with it?

All his life Sakusa had been lonely. His parents were around and still somehow the house always felt empty. Things like goodnight stories were non-existent, colours were something he only knew from the outside world. Their home was sterically clean and white, nothing was ever out of place. It never felt like a home more like a picture cut out of magazines.

He had never been good with other people. Sakusa blamed it on his parents, for being there but never really caring enough to interact with him. He used to have a nanny until he was in third grade elementary school and then suddenly the woman had been gone from one day to the next. No trace no goodbye, gone and with her any interaction he had aside from his home-schooling teacher and his parents.

In moments like these he wished he had had the chance to play in the mud. He wished he could talk to people and not fear them or the germs they gave of. Sakusa wished for an immune system, that was not weak. And for the most part he wished for people who understood him or cared enough to help him. People who would understand how overwhelming other humans were. Someone to make sure he could get to his sanitizer and grab his mask. And while Sakusa wished for someone who cared, he was also glad no one cared enough, as he was not sure if he could ever be a sufficient friend to such a person.

He took a deep breath; he had just spotted a slight opening in the crowd. He could escape, he only needed to be swift and then he would be gone. The bag with everything he needed was on the other side of the room. One deep breath and a semi sprint, he could do this.

One. Another deep breath.

Two. Hold his breath.

Three. Sprint.

He felt like he was suffocating between the people. He kept his legs moving, despite how shaky the steps he took were. He needed to get to his bag, no one was going to help him. People had stopped helping him long time ago, he had never expected it anyways. Another step and he would be outside of the crowd. Only one more step. And while it felt good to be out of the crowd, Sakusa's string of hope which kept him from panicking had just been snapped.

There was no bag around.

He could not hide himself away behind a mask. The keystone to the wall he built around himself was not here. He could not even use the sanitizer to get rid of the itchy feeling on his skin. The world seemed to become smaller and the people seemed to slowly come closer again. There was nothing to protect himself with.

His breath became shallow and while Sakusa knew what exactly he was supposed to do, he could not. His brain had shut off any kind of rational thought process and everything that kept him grounded had just been erased. He should have kept it with him, no matter what the coach had said. He should have disregarded the rules for once.

Everything was too close.

Again.

Why couldn't he be normal for once?

 _'Arrogant ass'_ he hears a voice in the back of his mind say. A voice that was an imagination of his mind and still the words hurt just as bad as when they had been first spoken.

_'Prick'_

_'Princess Buttercup who can't do shit'_

_'Scaredy-Cat'_

_'Good for nothing'_

_'Weirdo'_

Slowly the words spiraled down in his head. Sakusa was pressed up against the wall, knees close to his chest. Too much. Too many humans around. Too loud. Everything a reminder of his non-existent ability to interact with them. Nothing to ground him. Words spoken by his once classmates, bullies and some even teammates who showed him just how much he did not belong.

Not that he needed the reminder. Sakusa already knew it before those words had been spoken. He knew it the moment he had entered a classroom for the first time in sixth grade elementary. How out of place he was. How all his classmates could talk to each other, speak words and how he himself was jumbling to understand the social clues. How he had no idea how fit in.

Sakusa Kiyoomi knew exactly how much he did not fit in with his peers.

He did not need his shut down brain to remind him even more of how lonely he was. He should be able to get over with this. He was used to it; he should be used to it by now. But the more he tried to fight against the demons speaking, the louder their voices got. The itch became more and more unbearable and Sakusa was so close to tear his own skin from the frantic scratching he had unconsciously started.

Too close for comfort.

Why couldn't he had been a tiny bit normal?

"Sakusa-kun" a voice tried to talk to him.

Too loud.

There was a hand, on his shoulder. Sakusa moved his body away from the hand. Too close for comfort. Why were humans so hard to understand?

Why couldn't he be normal?

_'Itty little princess is afraid of mud. Even the girls are braver than you'_

"Sakusa-kun. I need you to breath in, one, two, three, four, five, and breath out, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. And in, one, two, three, four, five, and out six, seven, eight, nine, ten. In, one two three, four-"

His breathing slowed down. His thoughts started to align and stopped going in circles only. Everything was still too close, but his brain was adjusting enough for Sakusa to handle it for a bit longer. Still too loud. His back was pressed against wall. He could feel the floor underneath.

Five in.

Five out.

Five in.

Five out.

With a few more repetitions of the simple task of controlling his breath, Sakusa felt safe enough to open his eyes again. There was a face in front of him. He was not familiar with it. What was he supposed to do?

Five in.

Five out.

Don't panic now.

Five in.

Five out.

"I am sorry for the inconvenience those idiots have put you through." It was a calm voice, it drowned out a bit of the noise. Still too close.

Five in.

"I did not know they would go as far as taking some one's bag away for the laughs of it."

Five out.

Sakusa wished he could just disappear. There was an unbearable pain in his chest. It was climbing up his throat. He felt so isolated and unwanted. Tears were burning in his eyes. The pain got stronger, it slowly spread. He wanted to be anywhere else than here. This person saw him at his lowest, for the laughs of someone else.

Too close for comfort and still he wished there was someone to hug him close. To hold him. To have his back for once. Was it too much?

Five in.

"I-"

Five out.

Why couldn't he be normal once?

"Sakusa I have looked for-" Komori's voice stuck in his throat.

Sakusa closed his eyes. Great. He was at his lowest and the one person, who treated him like a decent human being, had to find him. One down. Zero more to go. There was his chance of ever making a friend running down the drain. Tears started to trickle down his cheeks. He could stop caring now anyways. There was no more of a face to safe and he would not get his bag back anytime soon anyways.

For once he asked himself a different question. Why had it to be him? Of all the people he could lose face to. Of all the people he'd like to be friends with. Of all the variables of the equation. Why did it need to be the closest person he had ever come to call a friend? Why had it to be Komori who found him?

In Sakusa's eyes there was no chance for the libero to stay around him after this. Not one of the acquaintances he had made during his life stayed longer than a near panic attack. Sometimes not even this long. Why would Komori stay when no one else would?

"Sakusa-kun breath in, one, two, three, four, five, out, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. In, one, two, three, four, five, out, six, seven-"

eight, nine, ten.

Five in.

Five out.

Five in.

"I am here Sakusa. I have a new mask and some sanitizer. Just breath in for five and out for five, okay? I am still going to be here, and Kita-san will retrieve your bag."

Five in.

Five out.

Will he really stay?

Five in.

Five out.

No one did stay.

Five in.

Five out.

Five in. Five out. Five in. Five out.

Sakusa held his hands out. He hoped Komori understood what he meant. He hoped that for once he could trust the words before the actions set them in stone. He hoped for once his wish for a friend might become reality. He felt the cool gel of the sanitizer. With every movement of his hands distributing the gel his need to scratch away the itch disappeared. He was safer than before.

A packaged mask dangled in front of his face. His hands grabbed it before his brain could stop the motion. The packaging ripped open before he had even mumbled a thank you. The mask adorned his face before this mysterious Kita was back.

"Thank you, Komori."

"Not for this. I should have realised earlier how much the crowds could get to you. I should have stopped them from making fun of you. I am so sorry Sakusa."

"It's more than what I was expecting." Which was nothing, he had expected nothing. This had been the most people normally had done for him when he found himself in such a situation. People either would let him panic for hours without caring or they told him to suck it up and be a man. Help was as rare as friends in his life. Them helping was more than he could ever expect.

"It should be normal for you to receive help." There stood Miya Atsumu holding Sakusa's bag. Behind him he could make out Kita holding two boys by their ears. Atsumu set the bag in reach for Sakusa on the floor. He grabbed it and pulled it close to himself the moment the others hand had let go of the handle.

Sakusa disagreed with Atsumu's statement. Unusual people did not receive help. He was not normal. He wished he could change it. He couldn't. He had tried before. He really did. But atypical people stayed atypical no matter how hard they tried to fit in. He could never make up the lack of social interactions he had had in his childhood. He could not change it. No matter how much he had tried.

"We will bring you to a secluded area, alright?" Komori's voice was soft and Sakusa really wished that for once a person would stay. There was a hand held out to help him stand up. Should he take the offer? Would he end up in more pain and panic? He trusted Komori, Sakusa really did. So, he took the hand, he hoped they would really try to help.

They had positioned themselves around him, keeping everyone else out of his little bubble. Kita was still berating the two who had stolen his bag and the longer he talked the more ashamed they looked. Sakusa was glad that Atsumu and Komori took long and quick strides and at the same time there was still a small seed of doubt in his mind. A 'what if' which kept him wondering.

Years later he would know he had worried for nothing. But in this exact moment, Sakusa was still a kid in a way. Still in need for validation of his existence. He still was in need for someone to see and care without strings attached to the actions.

Years later he would be glad he had made it on the same team as Miya Atsumu who kept an eye out for him. But years later was not now. And right now, he feared the rejection of one person more than he feared any crowd and any germ. He could live a life without being respected by Atsumu. He could live a life without any outside help. He could however not live a life alone. He could not live a life where he would lose every 'friend' he ever made. Because Sakusa was also just human and in need of a friend.

"Sakusa-kun, why don't you sit on the bench?" Kita suggested softly. He seemed to be the only one who saw his distress. How his emotions were a mess.

Why was it so hard to be normal?

"Hey, Sakusa. We're not goin' anywhere. You're stuck with us now." Atsumu did not touch him or come close but it felt so good to have someone say those words to him. It felt so alleviating to have someone who tells you that they would stay. He felt warm and safe.

"Atsumu-san is right, Kiyoomi. We are not going anywhere. Take your time to calm down and then we talk. Friends should have each other’s back and for us to do that we need to know what makes you uncomfortable." Komori sat down next to him, enough distance in between for Sakusa to be comfortable and yet close enough for him to not feel like an outsider.

The words kept on replay in his head. _'Friends should have each other’s back-'_ He never had friends who had his back. It always had been him against himself and any person who thought he needed a reminder of how unfitting he was in society. Something like _'Friends should have each other’s back-'_ did not exist until now.

Tears were burning in his eyes. Another wave of relieve washed over him and the weight on his chest had vanished. He did not lose Komori. He did not lose his only 'friend', he even won another one. He had people who had his backs, but could he ever have theirs?

"Stop thinking so much." Komori said, a small smile gracing his lips.

"Yeah, Omi-Omi. We are going to be great friends now stop worrying would ya?"

Sakusa laughed. Bet on Atsumu to come up with a stupid nickname. But it was okay, he knew he would be alright in the end. It was okay. He could have their backs in his own ways. It was okay to be different, because for once he was not alone. Sakusa grinned behind his mask. It was okay.

Why couldn’t he be normal? He would never know the answer.

Humans were a work in progress anyways.


End file.
